Pathetically Uncool On All Levels

I’m at Red Lobster.

On a Friday night.

At 5pm.

I am wearing the same Wal-Mart workout clothes that I put on at 7am that morning.

But I never got around to working out.

I look down and notice my shirt is on inside out.

I am drinking a glass of house Cabernet. That is Red Lobster house wine people.

I, not my date, pay the tab. (He can’t find his credit card. Of course.)

When the waiter returns with the bill and my credit card, he asks for my ID.

I consider jumping on the seat of the booth and punching the air Tom Cruise style, but instead I just shout “GOD BLESS YOU MAN!” And then I whip out my license (out of a diaper bag) and show it to him and anyone who will look in my direction.

In the Red Lobster house wine provided haze, I think I’ve been carded.

And then he says, “Ma’am, the back of your credit card says Ask for ID – See?” He holds the card out at a distance so I can see it.


That is the sound of my ego deflating, adjusting to the appropriate level for a 46-year-old woman with a toddler wearing Wal-Mart clothes inside out and backwards at 5pm on a Friday night in Red Lobster drinking house wine, paying for her date and shouting God Bless You Man! for no good reason. That level is somewhere under the booth along with the stray Goldfish and dropped color crayons.

I console myself with the fact that at least I didn’t jump on the booth. There’s that.

“Oh. Well then,” I say. “I knew that. God bless you just the same sir.”

47 thoughts on “Pathetically Uncool On All Levels

  1. I got carded for an R rated movie when I was 30. I was really thrilled, until the pimply-faced twit read the numbers, counted on his fingers and toes and said: “Oh, dude. I had no idea you were THAT old.” psssssssssssssst.


  2. I was hurting for you but laughing at you :)–and how have we never seen each other at Wal-Mart? I shop at the same one all the time!! I’m easy to spot–dragging multiple children in tow while also wearing workout gear and muttering incoherently under my breath 🙂


  3. Honey, you aren’t pathetically uncool on all levels – your blog is cool! Unfortunately for our egos, it’s those pathetically uncool moments in our lives that make for the best blogging, i.e., the moments when you most surely connect with all of us other pathetically uncool mommies. I’ll bet Sean (and your cheap date) think you’re cool, and that’s what really counts.


  4. I loved this! 😀
    I just turned 44 and a mommy to two little girls, the youngest is four…although people say I look younger than my years, I will not admit the last time I was carded. In fact, I don’t even remember…somewhere in another place and time…:)


  5. And God bless you for the open, candid look into the lives of us women. I don’t know one of us who hasn’t been there, done that.
    You do make me laugh.


  6. I think all waiters should be trained to ask for ID’s from all women, if not just to get the great tips! I’m sitting here in my workout clothes, deciding if I should take a real shower or a faux one with the shower cap. Bless you for making me laugh on a Monday morning!!!


  7. That waiter is obviously bitter that he is wasting his talents at Red Lobster. He should have just gone with it.

    It also cheers me to know that I’m not the only one who wears workout clothes from dusk to dawn without an actual workout taking place.


  8. My dear friend, if you are uncool on ANY level, there is not a chance in hell of my coolness level reaching past from under the booth. But the upside is that I’ve got colors and food down here. I could make a day or life of it.


  9. Oh my goodness! That is so funny!

    I was in Las Vegas on business a while back and one evening I was out with a couple of friends at a bar. As we climbed a set of stairs to get a drink, a handsome man was going down the stairs. I noticed him, he noticed me and he said, “Hello beautiful lady” as he walked by me with a smile. I could’ve kissed him! 🙂

    Now, I’m a happily married 30-something woman, but it sure made me feel great to be noticed by a good-looking younger man.

    Funny what excites us as we get older!


  10. Thank you for sharing. We always get so excited if someone ‘cards’ us, especially when we are in our 40’s…
    Thank you for making me laugh on a Monday morning…


  11. It’s worse when, at the football game, your husband gets carded (because “We Card Everyone Under 35”) and later, when you go to make the very same purchase… don’t even get a second glance. The injustice of it all!


  12. That waiter was a creep. He could have let you have that moment. I actually got carded the other day in the LCBO and there was a moment of sheer panic, like YOU MUST LET ME BUY THIS WINE – I didn’t have any ID on me either and it was all going to end in tears until the owner, who knows me, backed me up by saying “She’s really really old. Sell her the booze.” My finest moment.


  13. First of all, I think you’re cool. Second, why couldn’t the guy play along and make a woman’s day? When he corrected you, see, that’s when I totally would have taken that blessing back.


  14. Terri – I guess it never hurts to ask, but maybe it does!

    Gayle – Would it have killed him to play along and card me? He coulda had a nice little tip. Get a little cheap wine in me and ask for my ID and I can be very generous. Puts me in a good mood!


  15. That just cracked me up! I had to go to the liquor store this Christmas for something I was baking and I drove up with all this excitement because I just knew I was going to get carded (Ha, haven’t looked in a mirror for awhile) and I left completely deflated because they DIDN’T EVEN ASK! I mean, couldn’t they have just given a girl a break….it was Christmas, Geez! I thought at least they might have doubted and needed to just take a peek at my ID….just to be sure! But nope! I’ve passed the point of no return!

    Thanks for chuckle and the opportunity to finally de-lurk.



  16. Sometimes it is just totally unnecessary to hurt another’s feelings. I think that young whipper snapper just totally disregarded and disrespected you! LOL. I have found that my ego deflates alot easier than it used to.


  17. Oh, you mean the ones that you put on first thing in the morning so that you can pretend all day that you are going to work out but really you are just going to Red Lobster to drink cheap wine while the sun is still in the sky? Yeah. Those are really comfortable. I’ve got them in all colors.


  18. You could have said “Show me the money!” and that would have been bad.

    Instead, you just sound like the rest of us. Uncool and all.

    God Bless YOU, M’am! ;>)


  19. Roxanne is right on! If anyone can make the inside out and backwards look work, it’s definitely you!

    And that whole “I can’t find my credit card” trick is old, your date should know better by now 😛


  20. Well, if it helps any, we all think you are the COOLEST 46 yr.old drinking Red Lobster wine and wearing WalMart workout clothing inside out and backwards EVAH.


  21. I still think you should have jumped on the booth….they would have thought you were some drunk 22 yr old. I never get carded anymore….I think however I should.


  22. Yeah, well the same pimple-face that probably carded Laurel says to me, “I need to see some ID” — then proceeds to LAUGH as if it is the most hilarious joke he has ever heard and says, still snorting in laughter, “I’m just KIDDING!”

    Yeah, I was dressed pretty much like you, only didn’t yet have the wine-induced haze (that’s what I was purchasing and they frown on guzzling in the aisles at my grocery store). I think I’m boycotting his line next time.


  23. Ok tears running down my face I am laughing so hard. Oh. my. goodness. cant. catch. my. breath.

    I know what you mean because I was carded at the grocery store, and I about jumped up an down in the middle of the store!!!


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