Pre-Marital Couseling – Now Available At Home Depot!

I’ve got company today, so I am running this so-called perfect post from last December.  Only two more days of shamesless (shameful?) self-promotion and begging for votes. If you haven’t voted yet, you can do so here.  And you can do so again in 24 hours!

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A Perfect Post - December

If there is one thing that defines my relationship with Antique Daddy it is this: gutter covers.

Before we were even married, we embarked upon a home improvement project together and in the process, we discovered everything we needed to know about surviving and sustaining a marriage partnership: Never do home improvement projects together.

Forget premarital counseling. Before couples are allowed to marry, they should be required by law to complete a home improvement project together. If both parties emerge with all their limbs in tact, then that’s a good indication that they can tolerate being married, having kids and having their gall bladder removed without anesthesia.

I met Antique Daddy in the fall of 1996 and as it happens in the fall, the leaves had fallen off my trees and my neighbor’s tree and all the trees in Arkansas, Louisiana and Oklahoma, and into the gutters on my house. Being a childless person at the time, I had more time than sense and things like scrubbing the grout around the toilet and removing leaves from the gutters were on my To Do list. Now my To Do list includes things like brush teeth, bathe, sleep. I am all about goals these days.

And so.

One day when Antique Boyfriend was over at my house, I mentioned that removing the leaves from my gutters was on my To Do list and that I thought I would buy some gutter covers so that I wouldn’t have to clean my gutters every year. His eyes lit up as visions of power tools danced in his head. So off we went, hand-in-hand to Home Depot in search of true love and gutter covers.

When we got to the gutter covers department, as luck would have it, I saw — gutter covers! And I was elated. And like the Ethiopian eunuch in Acts 8:36 who said, “Here is some water! Why not be baptized now!?” I said, “Here are some gutter covers! Why not buy them now!?” And I put them in my cart and skipped happily toward the checkout lanes. There’s nothing a girl loves more than a cart full of gutter covers!

Cue sound of a needle dragging across a record – Skreeeech!

Antique Boyfriend is not like the spontaneous Ethiopian eunuch, who by the way, was probably a lot more fun to take shopping. Antique Boyfriend needs to study, analyze (notice the root word “anal” in analyze? I don’t think that is a coincidence), read the fine print, go to three stores to comparison shop, take measurements, read up on how gutter covers are made, talk with gutter cover experts, make a spreadsheet and then return to the original store and stand in the gutter covers aisle with arms folded while scratching his chin for three additional hours or until I try to remove my gall bladder with a gutter cover.


In the middle of Home Depot, we had a “discussion” about the proper way to purchase gutter covers and I may have even cried. In the name of Bob Vila, was it too much to ask to buy a girl some gutter covers? I think because he wanted to win favor with me because he hoped to eventually sleep with me, Antique Boyfriend acquiesced and we ended up leaving the store with the original gutter covers upon which I first laid eyes and fell in love.

We went home and attempted to install said gutter covers together, a simple process which involved a ladder, a box of Band-aids, a bottle of Cabernet and more tears. They did not fit or work worth a flip and then I got aggravated, stomped them into an abstract environmental sculpture and then threw them into the garage along with all the other ghostly remains of home improvement projects past.

Yet we married anyway, because we learned so much about ourselves and each other in the process. We learned that a home without gutter covers is a happy home. We learned that Antique Daddy should be in charge of purchases requiring anal-yzing – cars and gutter covers and that I should be in charge of purchases requiring impulse – gum, lipstick, shoes.

And we learned why you never see Bob Vila’s wife on the show.

The 2007 Weblog Awards

13 thoughts on “Pre-Marital Couseling – Now Available At Home Depot!

  1. This is one of my favorite posts! I remember the last time you posted this, I sent it around to all of my friends, after laughing so hard I almost peed! I think I read it out loud to my husband, but he couldn’t understand what I was saying because I was laughing so hard. Thanks for re-posting this. 🙂


  2. I had forgotten how much Antique Daddy reminds me of my dear James. He snorted (I think) as I read your post to him and then took the ending to mean he was justified for the hours spent reading about (whatever).


  3. I too suffer from an ‘anal’ husband. They do have their good points and as the years roll by I think I only bring comic relief to our relationship.


  4. We have a dining room table downstairs that was purchased a few months before I moved in/the wedding. I helped put it together. DH has never let me help with another home improvement anything again. I can’t even hang pictures without throwing something!


  5. Never do home projects together and never share a computer. Forget money, sex, kids, religion, political stance, family issues – those can’t hold a candle to someone messin’ with my computer!


  6. This is why I love your writing. I laugh out loud, more than once. Your “abstract environmental sculpture” especially tickled me. I can see myself doing that…

    P.S. I’m voting as often as I can, and wrote a post begging all (three) of my readers to vote for you too.


  7. This truly is a perfect post. I can totally relate and laughed out loud when you tried to remove your gall bladder with a gutter cover. You are so funny. I’ll go and vote again today!


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