Mr. Malaprops

Sometimes, in a fit of motherly passion, I”ll scoop Sean up and smother him with kisses, telling him he’s so cute that I can’t stand it.  And then he squiggles and wiggles out of my arms and runs off, laughing and yelling “Yucky!”

Last week, we were at the grocery store, and as we were checking out, he was chatting up the cashier, a grandmotherly type. 

“You’re cute!” she cooed at him as I ran my credit card through the machine.

“Yeah but my mom can’t stand me,” he told her.  “She says that all the time.”  And then for some reason,  he offered her this weird, crooked, sad little smile.

The cashier narrowed her eyes and looked at me suspiciously.

It probably didn’t help that Sean had a dirty face and had dressed himself that morning as a Hip Hop Rap artist on a golf outing.

I shut my eyes and shook my head ever so slightly. 

The effort it was going to take to explain that it was the level of his cuteness that I can’t stand vs. him which I can stand very tolerably (sigh), exceeded my mental bandwidth at that particular moment.  So I didn’t even try. 

I think I exceeded my mental bandwidth just typing that sentence.

In some local ladies Bible study, there’s a Wal-Mart cashier asking for prayers for the little boy whose mother can’t stand him.  

39 thoughts on “Mr. Malaprops

  1. Haha!

    I had to post to share the time my sister told her Kindergarten teacher that our grandmother’s arm had been bitten OFF by a shark.

    The best part, I went to pick her up after school (I am 13 years older than she is) and the teacher actually offered me her condolences about my grandmother. I was like “What are you talking about? My grandmother hasn’t been to the beach in years!”

    She felt a little silly, needless to say.


  2. “exceeded my mental bandwidth”…I love it.

    I can’t wait until Jordan says stuff like that….just for the cuteness of it.


  3. OH, out of the mouths of babes. My daughter, age 4, doesn’t understand the concept of time yet. I had some serious explaining to do when she confused seconds and days.


  4. We forget that kids are so literal with language. We once asked my now nine year old son if he could do a head stand at the age of three. With all his might, he did his best to get those little feet to touch the top of his head! lol

    Don’t worry, he’ll get it someday.


  5. You have to send that one to Reader’s Digest and turn it into some cold, hard cash.

    Delurking to say that.

    I’m my son’s #1 fan. I love his breath. I know. Sick, right? But that’s how crazy I am about him.

    I can’t stand it. TOO cute.


  6. Once, one of my children’s Kindergarten teachers said to me, “If you’ll believe only half of what they say about me, I’ll believe only half of what they say about you.” Good plan, I thought!
    Although, before I had children, I was shopping in a store (Wal-Mart, wouldn’t you know) when an irritated mother of a young, inquisitive, school-aged child said in a huff, “I can’t wait for school to start!”. I couldn’t help myself as I calmly replied, “I’ll bet he can’t either!”
    Now, quite honestly, I can relate a tiny bit:) Just a teeny tiny bit!:)


  7. It’s amazing to me how innately little boys know how to work the system – and the sympathies of others – even when they’re not trying! (coming from a former little boy, and proud daddy to a chip off the old block)


  8. Oh, I wish all kids were lucky enough to have moms who “Can’t stand them” like you do with Sean.
    My then-2 year old son fell down some stairs once and complained of pain so we took him to get x-rays. At the time, I had huge welts on my legs from weeding poison ivy out of my flowerbeds. The admitting nurse said “He fell down the stairs, huh?” And look pointedly at my legs and then at my husband. I’m with you on that exceeding your mental bandwidth thing…


  9. Well, the extra prayers can’t hurt, no matter the reason. We’ll just let the Holy Spirit intercede for them and God will bless you none the less.


  10. Reminds me of when my mom was watching my nephew for a few days. He did something naughty and she said, “John, that was a rotten thing to do!” When his mom arrived home, John reported that “Nana says I’m rotten!”


  11. Girl, that Wal-Mart cashier has seen and heard a lot more than that… I think at some point there will be a book or a dissertation written about the counter culture of Wal-mart.

    One of my favorite- and there are many- scenes at a local Sam’s/Wal-mart was a pajama bottomed mama saying,” Cody, put mama’s cigarettes down right now.”


  12. My sister, when a toddler, had more than the usual assortment of bruises, since she was naturally clumsy. At her well-baby checkup, the doctor asked conversationally, “And where did you get all these bruises?” She fixed him with her huge blue eyes and said quite clearly, “My mommy beats me.”


  13. When my daughter was about 3-years old, she was jumping on my bed and it ended with her falling against the sharp edge of the night stand. She had to have a couple of stitches. When we got home, she looked at me and said, “You did this to me”! “What?” I said. “You let me jump on your bed.” she said. I was so glad she waited until we got home from the doctor to say that!
    Your Sean is too adorable. Thanks for continuing to delight us with stories of his life.


  14. HA! If that woman only knew the truth!

    I have a friend whose daughter, when she was 5 or so, threw a fit when her daddy explained that it was time to leave the playground and go home. So the kid started screaming “You’re NOT my daddy!” as my friend’s husband picked her up to carry her out of the playground. The poor guy was terrified that someone would call 911 and report that a maniac was trying to abduct a kid from the playground!


  15. Oh, Jamie has this all right. I’ll remember that when the teen years hit at our house, and I’ll smile to myself. Sweet justice. 🙂

    Your boy is a funny one! (I know what you mean about him being so cute you can’t stand it!)


  16. Hoo, boy. The Tongginator pulls stuff like that all the time. She gets it from her Grammy, who once, at age seven, walked all around her upper-middle-class neighborhood barefoot, asking people for shoes because her Momma refused to buy her some. Umm… she bought some, just not the ones Tonggu Grammy wanted!


  17. That’s hilarious. This kind of thing is the reason why (I’m convinced) the Good Lord allows teenagers to feel shamefully embarrassed when in public with their parents. The score is simply being evened.


  18. My daughter threw something down off her bed onto my foot, and I was like “Ow! You do NOT throw things at people!” Immediately she covers her ears and starts crying that I “hurt” her. She freaks and says I’m hurting her whenever I have a disapproving tone in my voice. This is going to be a delight in public soon, I’m sure.


  19. Well Happy Geek, here in Texas there is a Wal-Mart about every two miles, so yeah I’m going to spread Sean’s cuteness and my crazy all over the county.


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