Pathetically Uncool On All Levels

I’m at Red Lobster.

On a Friday night.

At 5pm.

I am wearing the same Wal-Mart workout clothes that I put on at 7am that morning.

But I never got around to working out.

I look down and notice my shirt is on inside out.

I am drinking a glass of house Cabernet. That is the Red Lobster house wine people.

I, not my date, pay the tab. (He can’t find his credit card. Of course.)

When the waiter returns with the bill and my credit card, he asks for my ID.

I consider jumping on the seat of the booth and punching the air Tom Cruise style, but instead I just shout “GOD BLESS YOU MAN!” And then I whip out my license (out of a diaper bag) and show it to him and anyone who will look in my direction.

In the Red Lobster house wine provided haze, I think I’ve been carded.

And then he says, “Ma’am, the back of your credit card says Ask for ID.  See?” He holds the card out at a distance so I can see it.


That is the sound of my ego deflating, adjusting to the appropriate level for a 46-year-old woman with a toddler wearing Wal-Mart clothes inside out at 5pm on a Friday night in Red Lobster drinking house wine, paying for her date and shouting God Bless You Man! for no good reason. That level is somewhere under the booth along with the stray Goldfish and dropped color crayons.

I console myself with the fact that at least I didn’t jump on the booth. There’s that.

“Oh. Well then,” I say. “I knew that. God bless you just the same sir.”

* * *

Originally published February, 2007

25 thoughts on “Pathetically Uncool On All Levels

  1. i have to continue…

    my daughters, best friend and her daughters went to have a mother/daughter get away at the beach…ahem, I know I am spoiled…but I digress..

    on the beach ride home, she and I went into a gas station and the gal asked what we were doing and I said we were on a mother/daughter excursion, but on our way home…and she said something to the effect of well, have fun with your mom there…pointing a my all seriousnes! Squawk, I hooted and told our girls in the car and they all hooted…but then my friend went on to lament about how she needed to invest in some surgery..hahahahah…


  2. Aren’t we ALL that excited for our credit card security to be taken seriously? I wouldn’t have thought of that in a wine-induced fog, either, but there’s that, too.


  3. It’s nice to see that the waiter paid attention to what you wrote on your card. I really enjoy reading your blog.

    Just a little for your own interest information. I’d like to point out that some credit cards are not valid without a signature and say so on the back of the card. Also, it is against the merchant’s agreement with the credit card company for them to ask for a cardholder’s ID before they accept the card.


  4. That dopey waiter should have kept his mouth shut.

    I’m actually envious of anyone who gets to go to an actual sit-down restaurant. The last date (and I use this term loosely) my husband and I went on was to buy a new mattress for our guest room. Then we ate fast food in the parking lot with our newborn twins in the back (we didn’t want to take them out of the car), before picking up our 3-year-old from preschool. Ah, romance.


  5. I remember feeling insulted the first time I wasn’t carded at the grocery store when buying wine coolers or something alcoholic. I had my id out and everything. The nerve.


  6. Love it, AM. Reminds me of last weekend: my husband and I were out on the town with a few other couples. It was late and we were heading into one of the downtown hot-spots near the university in our city. In front of me was a gaggle of co-eds, and they were all getting carded at the door, so I pulled out my driver’s license just to be ready and keep the line moving, don’t you know. When I reached the bouncer and proferred my id he gave a “ppphhhhht!” and waved me through. At which point my husband and “friends” proceeded to laugh at me as I walked sheepishly to the bar. You can take the (41-year-old) girl out of her teens, but you can’t take the teens out of the girl!


  7. SO FUNNY!! It’s so sad that we can feel the same as we did in our early 20’s… sort of… on the inside, but then the realization that we are NOT hits really hard…


  8. Hubby wrote that on the back of his card and no one notices. It is suppose to be a safety feature.

    I love the post. Wow Red Lobster! We live in the booties. They pump in sunlight and you claw your way 30 miles up the hollers to get to the highway! I kinda miss civilization but we are going to a party this weekend if the SNOW doesn’t get here first!


  9. What a fun read!! At least you weren’t offered the senior citizen discount — I’ve been offered that a few times in various places even though I am only 51. My husband says I should just take the discount if they are going to make assumptions, but the one time I did I felt guilty.


  10. LOL I was just thinking about how pathetic I am as I load them into the van and pray that nothing happens on our short ride since I’m wearing my pj’s…for the second time this week 😮
    Happy weekend – it was a good repeat!


  11. When I laugh, I really am laughing with you. When our daughter comes home from college and we take her to dinner, we usually go around 4-5:00 because her “pathetically uncool” parents like to beat the crowd. She calls it our “Senior citizen’s” dinner. Ouch! I may be 50, but I don’t think I qualify for that!

    And I hope the best tip your waiter got that night afternoon was “don’t play in traffic blindfolded!


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