Why I Don’t Buy Magazines

I do not buy fashion and/or celebrity magazines.

I really kind of like looking at them to see what the R&F are wearing, but I never put one down that I feel better about myself having spent time looking at it.  And I say “looking at it” rather than “reading it” to be precise.

I figure that there’s no need to cut down trees and pay good money to feel badly about myself when I do a great job of that all by myself for free without endangering any trees.  It’s a greener approach to feeling like you don’t quite measure up.

However, because I am human and weak of flesh, when I’m in line at the grocery store, I cannot resist a peek at celebrity fashion.  I peruse.  I partake of the eye candy.  I have a fair degree of disdain for all things Hollywood and all that it represents, yet I love to gawk.  Apparently, my alter ego is Mary Hart.

Today at the grocery store, as I waited in the checkout line, I saw Jennifer Aniston on the cover of some magazine, so I leaned in a little closer to get a look.  Jennifer was looking fabulous in a short black dress.  I love how Jennifer always looks so natural, so girl-next-door.  Almost like one of us, except for her fabulous hair, perfect teeth, flawless skin, great clothes and awesome bod.  Yeah, just like us, only prettier. And rich.  Anyway, there she was, looking over her shoulder at the photographer; her famous blond locks floating out behind her like a golden cape. It was a vision of beauty, I cannot argue with that.

What made me sniff loud enough to make the cashier look up was that below the picture of Jennifer was a headline which read something like:  How does Jennifer keep her butt so firm?

Apparently Jennifer knows the secret to having a firm butt, and if we knew the secret, or if we were Jennifer, we could have firm butts too.

Well, I’ll tell you her secret.

First off, she doesn’t have any kids. I used to look like Jennifer Aniston too. And then I had a kid.  And I inherited a whole bunch of new real estate in the south 40.  It happens.  My weight is just about what it was before I had my preshus snookums, but time and declining estrogen have a way or rearranging the furniture without your permission.

Second of all, since Jennifer doesn’t spend her day building forts in her den and practicing sight words, she has a lot of spare time to stand in front of her full length mirror and contemplate the state of her butt.  Although.  She’s so rich, she probably has people whom she pays to stare at and consider her butt for her.

Third, Jennifer probably never dines at restaurants where they serve food with color crayons. Those kinds of restaurants don’t serve foods conducive to perky butts.

Fourth, Jennifer probably has people who come to her house and kick her perky little butt out of bed every morning and make her work out for three hours.  Or maybe they work out for her.

Now that I would pay for.

Let’s see, there must have been a point to this post other than Jennifer’s butt.


Sorry. Carry on.

41 thoughts on “Why I Don’t Buy Magazines

  1. Yep. She pays people to consider her butt for her. I wonder how Julia Roberts looks these days.

    How do celebs seem to get back to super thin status so quick and easy?

    But you gotta hand it to Meryl Streep. Her furniture has been rearranged but she wears it well and is just as fabulous as ever. Amen.


  2. Hilarious 🙂 I’m way behind on catching up with posts! I used to work in a pre-press department. I had to go to the place who made our films many times. I got to see lots of the before pictures from the guys who were Photoshopping the craziness out of the photos that go on magazine covers. I’m so tempted at times to do that to my own pictures!

    Oh, I don’t buy magazines either 🙂


  3. I loved your greener approach to mentally degrading ourselves and I’m right thre with you.
    And I second Debbie’s comment right above mine. I was going to mention my North 40 after nursing 2 boys, but I like her comment better!


  4. And then I had a kid. And I inherited a whole bunch of new real estate in the south 40.

    I’m all kinds of cracked up over this. Me too, sister. Me too!!


  5. I too am about the same weight I was when I graduated from college. And it definitely don’t look the same AT ALL. And while at some points during my son’s early puking screeching infant-hood I might have traded him for Brad Pitt’s butt, I have to say at this point I wouldn’t. I’ve matured. So, excuse me, I’m off to click on the naked picture link 🙂


  6. I’ve never been interested in celebrity magazines, but I used to feel my own body was not bad. Now “time and declining estrogen” have taken their toll, and I swear those 15 extra pounds have spread out over way more territory than should be scientifically possible. Sure, I would like to look better, but not enough to work very hard at it, so I resort to creative camoflage and a certain sense of entitlement because of my age and birthing history.

    A sticky note on my bathroom mirror states the plain truth of it:

    “Time may be a great healer,
    but it’s a lousy beautician.”


  7. I actually enjoy a “fluff” magazine now and then, but I’m really into fashion. I don’t wear it (I think I have like 10 pieces of clothing), but I enjoy looking at it.

    I am saddened though that some people are freaked out over the nude woman in the glamour article. Nudity is a normal state of being—it’s the way we were brought into this world. God doesn’t make clothing, humans do. If God did, then animals would be clothed—and we can’t say fur is clothing, humans have hair on their entire bodies too.

    Guess it comes from being an artist. When you look at the human form for as long as I have you see beauty in the differences and the body becomes nothing more than a sculpture—a miraculous combination of art and science.

    * * *
    I don’t think the commenter was “freaked out” by the image but her young child was standing near her computer when it popped up and she wasn’t expecting it.

    I’m an artist as well, my degree is in studio art, specifically figurative painting, and I’ve spent countless hours in life drawing classes, so my comfort level is similar to yours. But, I respect that not everyone is equally comfortable viewing the unclothed body and that doesn’t make me sad at all. ~AM


  8. I feel sorry for Jennifer Aniston & other celebs as they must be very lonely people. Anyone that can spend that much time on their personal appearance obviously doen’t have enough family to keep them occupied. I used to work out 5 days a week for an hour. Now with a 3 & 1 year old my equipment is lucky to see me once a week. I wouldn’t trade my 2 dd’s and 40 extra lbs for anything in the world. Although I will be happy when I can ditch the extra 40, but at least it’s not the 60 I started with post Kate’s birth.


  9. Are you familiar with the 5% diet? In Photoshop you move the sides of a photo in by 5% without changing the height. No foolin’. Learned that from Lesa Snider King at the Santa Fe Photographic Workshops

    Sagging flesh under the arms? Bulges at the tummy? Double chin? A little work with the Liquify filter pushes those things back in.

    Wrinkles, lumps, blemishes? That’s why they invented the Clone tool.

    I could go on, but it just gets more and more depressing. Especially when I look in a mirror as I get out of the shower. Thank goodness for clothes.

    Of course it helps if you are still twenty something.


  10. And while she could never say it, there is probably a part of Jennifer that wishes she was having to deal with the rearranging that goes along with carrying a new life.

    * * *
    Indeed. I would not trade my kid for Jennifer’s butt. 😉


  11. I talked with someone at my gym just the other day about getting someone else to do our workouts for us; she said she would give her entire 401K for that. Hmm; if I ever find a way to do that, I could be rich!!! But would my bottom ever look as good as hers? Probably not……..LOL


  12. I have a neighbor that buys these magazines every week and then passes them to me. I guess so we both can feel bad about ourselves.
    Anyway, I read where Jen has spent up to $50,000. on her hair. Well then…

    Also these celebs spend huge amounts of money on purses and clothes. This grandma doesn’t even pretend to keep up. I wouldn’t trade lives with any of them though.


  13. Do you think if Jennifer Aniston was really the girl next door I could share her personal trainer?

    (And I couldn’t agree more with your hypothesis that people SAY they want healthy, real, etc. but then don’t BUY that. I used to work in the media. It amazed me that all of my friends would complain about (insert favorite media problem here). But they always watched it anyway. Ratings don’t lie, unfortunately. That’s where the rubber meets the road.)


  14. Thank you for the reminder of ‘crayon restaurants…those were the days with only 3 colors to use for ‘the wait’.
    FIY… I read somewhere that Jenifer spends ‘7’ as in SEVEN HOURS a day working on ‘the total beauty package’ and I’m sure that includes the massage for working out so hard! HA! Picking up after a child at the end of the day in a ‘quick sweep’ through the house only takes 15 minutes and uses up every single muscle her expensive trainer took hours to tone! Thanks for the memories.


  15. Before I had children, I could eat whatever I wanted and never have to worry about gaining an ounce. I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight within ten days of giving birth to my firstborn- however, my jeans still did not fit!! The number on the scale said one thing, but my body was never to be the same again. My weight had “shifted” to other parts of my body and I never wore the same size pre-pregnancy jeans again. After my second child was born, I retained more weight, and had trouble losing it. Now that I am in my 40’s, I find that gaining weight is easy and losing it is next to impossible.
    I suppose if I had a personal trainer to work with me every day the way celebrities do, I could look as good as they do, too. But this is the REAL world and that’s not gonna happen. I would like to lose about 20 lbs. My husband has put on a few pounds too, in the 23 years we have been married, and he doesn’t complain about the way I look, so I guess I shouldn’t let it bother me so much.


  16. I can’t blame it all on my baby – I blame my husband! I was skinny until I started being a dutiful housewife and cooking actual meals every day. Oh, and that whole working thing really sucked time away from my hiking routine. 😉
    I’m now twice my highschool weight.

    I bet Jen never even has to step into a grocery store and see all those tempting food choices, she just gets served up some nice healthy mini-meal of brown rice, tofu and green beans or somesuch by her chef. Then doesn’t have to listen to other family members complain about the selection, the portion size, or lack of dessert.


  17. I have to say, I also look at celebrity magazines because I LOVE gossip and pop culture and, quite frankly, the pretty, colorful pictures of celebrities. I try to actually stay away from reading the articles (which is shocking for me quite frankly because I read everything pretty much) because they end up being totally pithy most of the time.

    With Re: to the “firm butt” part of the blog post, even the celebs that have given birth to children are often unrealistic because they can afford to take the time to workout for 3 hours a day with a personal trainer. That three hours for me is spent either a. working for money or b. hanging out with my kid, changing diapers and playing with cars or watching Elmo. It’s totally not realistic.


  18. “but time and declining estrogen have a way of rearranging the furniture without your permission.”

    Well, that just about says it all…that’s me and most normal women! And I loved the pic of “the woman on page 194”. I saw that pic and was relieved to see a real person with no airbrushing or other photo-altering technology applied. If only more magazines felt the need to allow us to be ourselves and not feel inadequate because we aren’t Jennifer or Angelina or J-Lo or Beyonce or whoever is the latest on the cover.

    I still look back at the “real” picture of Jamie Lee Curtis when she decided to be photographed with no airbrushing. It did me a world of good! I could look a whole lot better at 50 if I was airbrushed, too!!


  19. Truly hilarious. . .and I think Jennifer is lovely and beautiful and probably has a perky butt with some cellulite in places that is conveniently covered OR photoshopped out. Alas, I’ll take my cellulite, and gray hair, and wrinkles any day of the week, ’cause like you, I’ve got a boy (and a girly) who LOVE me. As my husband said the other night when it was time for me to hug the kids before bed, “Your fan club awaits.” 🙂


  20. “A whole lotta new real estate in the south 40” . . . priceless!!

    Don’t you ever feel bad about being little ole you. I’ve met you and thought you were WAY more awesome than that Jennifer person.


  21. I gawked at that very same magazine just yesterday while standing in line at Publix with a whole chicken, 3 ears of corn, and a can of soy protein powder. Oh, and 30 pesky extra lbs. that won’t go away. Not only did the headline mention her butt, it also said something about her boobs and her tummy. The perfect trifecta of guilt. Made me want to scoop ALL of the M&Ms from the rack right onto the conveyor belt and stick my tongue out at her.


  22. Amen. I don’t buy or read them either for the same reasons. I stopped about 18 years ago and never looked back. I love the sites that show the original photos of celebs before they are photoshopped and airbrushed to death. Now those make me feel good. And normal. Cheers to you!


  23. Yep.. that’s kinda like Oprah losing weight and getting up there and saying “if I can do it, so can you!”. Yeah… it would be a snap if I had a personal trainer and a personal chef and a personal this and a personal that. And all the time in the world. Never mind the whole popping out a kid thing. That’s a whole ‘nuther deal. LOL


  24. aack! I just clicked on Dawn’s link and – yikes! – My 12 and 14 year old children are here in the room! Daughter saw it, fortunately son did not. Disclaimer! 😉

    But on the subject of bodies, I’d take *her* plus-size one any day.

    * * *
    The article says she has on underwear. That’s not what I call underwear. Adding a disclaimer was a good idea.


  25. Your posts are always well written. But this particular one made me snicker and snort and chuckle.

    Next time I’m in line at the store and see a pic of Jennifer Aniston, I’ll be thinking about this post.

    Thanks for the giggles.


  26. Have you seen this? http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/blogs/vitamin-g/2009/08/on-the-cl-the-picture-you-cant.html

    (WARNING: link may be inappropriate for children or some viewers)

    I swear they’ve Photoshopped in my tummy on her (minus the stretch marks).

    * * *
    That is an interesting article. I read a study once that revealed that when restaurants put healthy food items on the menu at the request of patrons, they don’t sell. One would have to conclude that although people say they want healthy food, they really don’t. I think the same theory holds true for our magazines. We say we want to see more images of “real” women, but magazines with Photoshopped and impossibly skinny celebs sell like hotcakes. I think what we say we want and what we really want don’t always align.


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