I do not buy fashion and/or celebrity magazines.
I really kind of like looking at them to see what the R&F are wearing, but I never put one down that I feel better about myself having spent time looking at it. And I say “looking at it” rather than “reading it” to be precise.
I figure that there’s no need to cut down trees and pay good money to feel badly about myself when I do a great job of that all by myself for free without endangering any trees. It’s a greener approach to feeling like you don’t quite measure up.
However, because I am human and weak of flesh, when I’m in line at the grocery store, I cannot resist a peek at celebrity fashion. I peruse. I partake of the eye candy. I have a fair degree of disdain for all things Hollywood and all that it represents, yet I love to gawk. Apparently, my alter ego is Mary Hart.
Today at the grocery store, as I waited in the checkout line, I saw Jennifer Aniston on the cover of some magazine, so I leaned in a little closer to get a look. Jennifer was looking fabulous in a short black dress. I love how Jennifer always looks so natural, so girl-next-door. Almost like one of us, except for her fabulous hair, perfect teeth, flawless skin, great clothes and awesome bod. Yeah, just like us, only prettier. And rich. Anyway, there she was, looking over her shoulder at the photographer; her famous blond locks floating out behind her like a golden cape. It was a vision of beauty, I cannot argue with that.
What made me sniff loud enough to make the cashier look up was that below the picture of Jennifer was a headline which read something like: How does Jennifer keep her butt so firm?
Apparently Jennifer knows the secret to having a firm butt, and if we knew the secret, or if we were Jennifer, we could have firm butts too.
Well, I’ll tell you her secret.
First off, she doesn’t have any kids. I used to look like Jennifer Aniston too. And then I had a kid. And I inherited a whole bunch of new real estate in the south 40. It happens. My weight is just about what it was before I had my preshus snookums, but time and declining estrogen have a way or rearranging the furniture without your permission.
Second of all, since Jennifer doesn’t spend her day building forts in her den and practicing sight words, she has a lot of spare time to stand in front of her full length mirror and contemplate the state of her butt. Although. She’s so rich, she probably has people whom she pays to stare at and consider her butt for her.
Third, Jennifer probably never dines at restaurants where they serve food with color crayons. Those kinds of restaurants don’t serve foods conducive to perky butts.
Fourth, Jennifer probably has people who come to her house and kick her perky little butt out of bed every morning and make her work out for three hours. Or maybe they work out for her.
Now that I would pay for.
Let’s see, there must have been a point to this post other than Jennifer’s butt.
Sorry. Carry on.